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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Strides in Sleep
When we first became the parents to Pickle there were countless posts about his sleep issues. Mainly those revolving around rocking. So many that I am sure you became bored and this is why our readership dropped.

Five months later... Pickle is still a rocker. Shocking? Not to me anymore. I have tried every trick in the book and he still rocks. In fact, I can currently hear him rocking if I turn up the baby monitor. I bet at this point you are asking, "if he is still rocking how does this count as strides in sleep?" I'll tell you.

On any given day I try to be as candid as possible about the issues we face with Pickle. The posts may come here or at Life of Elle. We do have our fair share of post institutionalization issues, but for the most part they are minor. Sleep has been our biggest battle.

We became parents to Pickle on September 5th. Our first attempt at putting him to sleep would prove to be more challenging than originally anticipated. At the time I didn't post much about it. We had limited internet access and I didn't have the energy to go into it. On the second attempt to put Pickle to sleep I tried to lay down with him, but he was so disturbed by all the changes he just couldn't lay there. What caused most of my crying is that he would sit up and make a figure 8 rocking motion with his head until he finally was so exhausted that he lay down and continued to rock. There was no way I could hold this child or comfort him to help him fall asleep. I just laid next to him holding his hand and sobbing. This particular behavior went on for about 3 days. We had enough of that so we both laid with him and one or the other held him down until he fell asleep. He was even more disturbed by this and he started screaming. The next morning Suzanne would tell us she knew when it was bed time in our house. It was that loud. Pickle was frightened by sleep. When it was bed time he would get anxious, breath rapidly and get generally freaked out by the whole thing. By the time we left Russia things were getting better.

When we arrived home Pickle slept with us in the bed the first night. We were all so tired that was just easiest. The second night we tried putting him in his bed, but he ended up with us by about 10. The third night he was in his bed the whole night. To put him to bed without rocking both of us had to stay in the room while one kept their hand on him the whole time. At times we would have to hold him down to keep him from rocking. Some afternoons it took me using both hands to hold him down, him screaming and me falling into a blithering puddle on the floor before he would sleep.

We have had countless arguments over the rocking. We have fought more about this than we have over anything the entire length of our marriage. It is disturbing. It makes you feel inadequate as a parent. To hear your child rock for self comfort, to know they are not calling out to you to soothe them. It breaks my heart a little more each night. The worst part is the not crying. Most say just let him cry it out and he'll be fine. That is all well and good, but Pickle has not once cried in his crib. Never. In 5 months. Never ever cried. Not even when he's been sick. I can't say that enough. It seems that no matter how many times I say it there is still someone who does not believe. He does not cry. Not even a whimper. Just rocks.

So to make the strides in sleeping that we have I thought I'd share a few tips that have gotten us to this point.

We started by holding him down and both of us were in the room. This lasted about 2 weeks. I would sit on the floor and CS would put a hand on him. As soon as he removed his had Pickle would rock. I would sob.

We tried putting him in the bed, staying with him until he was sleepy and then leaving the room. He would still rock. I would continue to cry.

We tried only one of us staying in the room until he was asleep. This takes somewhere around an hour once he's in the bed. Not as much rocking, but he eventually started laughing at me.

It was finally suggested to force him into the rocking chair. Up until that point he would refuse to be held and rocked. I did this and after about 3 days or so he was compliant. I rocked him to sleep, but he woke up upon the transfer and then rocked.

I continued the rock to sleep method and eventually this worked... for about a week.

The pediatrician suggested playing some soft music to distract him from the rocking. We bought an iCrib. I thought my problems were solved by this little gem. It worked for 2 weeks. He adapted and started rocking again.

We resorted to the rocking to sleep, but still this took upwards of an hour. My legs were getting a good workout, but it was frustrating.

Then we rocked him until he was sleepy, put him in the bed and sat or laid on the floor until he fell asleep. We were in his room for up to an hour.

The most recent was rocking him until he was mostly sleepy, putting him into the bed and leaving. We'd go down the hall and say, "no rocking" if we heard him doing so. This was the worst thing we could do. The rocking got worse. He started using it as an attention getting measure. He would grunt loudly, rock violently and make us even more frustrated.

This was the point that CS looks at me and says, "I think we need to take him to a specialist." I agreed, but seeing as it was a Friday night the call would have to wait until Monday. Over that weekend we made a trip to the bookstore. I had been told to go back and read the attachment parenting books and see what they said on this subject. I will finally admit that I don't own a single attachment parenting book. There I said it. You think I'm a bad parent now don't you? Anyway, I sat at the bookstore reading the attachment books and the so called "Bibles of adoption" had nothing on this subject. I mean nothing. They said to rock your child. That is the extent of the info they had on the entire subject of rocking. So we started looking at child sleep books. Here is where we found our answers.

Rocking and head banging is normal in children ages 6 months to 4 years. If this behavior progresses beyond the 4th year seek help. Pickle is 2. It also went on to say that these behaviors are common in children who exhibit neurological dysfunctions such as Cerebral Palsy or Autism. However, children with CP or Autism exhibit other symptoms of neurological dysfunction outside of the sleep time routine. Pickle does not. He only rocks. The books went on to reiterate that this behavior is totally normal. They did not indicate this is only a post institutionalization issue. This happens in biological children too. The books say there is nothing we can really do for him at this point other than to just let him rock. Children do this for attention getting purposes in many cases.

For Pickle rocking has been two fold. Attention getting and habit. At this point it is more attention getting. We went through a phase were he jumped about in his bed, threw George, Steve and Elmo out of the bed and carried on. We ignored him and that stopped.

Today, the rocking is getting better. I have been spending a little bit of time each day just cuddling with Pickle. He's not so into this at first, but we play little attachment games and he loves it. Since doing this he only rocks for about 20 minutes each night. This opposed to the 60 or so he did before. The odd phenomenon is that he rocks less when it is just me at night. He rocks longer when CS is home. Odd.

Either way in the past 5 months we are making progress. The rocking is less violent, and sleep time is less disturbing for him. Hopefully we are moving to this stopping all together.
17 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
I feel for you.... and I can recall Livi rocking and banging her head. She still shakes her crib rather than cry to let me know she is awake...I believe you that he does not cry.

Livi violently rocked and banged her head back & forth and hardly ever cried for a good 6 months-she rocked in her carseat, at the grocery store, she would bang her head against anything really hard.I was really worried about these behaviors and we would hold her little head still so she could not hurt herself.


Its so hard.. thanks for sharing

Lauri

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Elle, As you have read, it does happen with biological children too. My brother, who was born to the same parents that I was, rocked for three years. Banged his head on the wall. Moved the crib and then the bed so violently that they had to fix the wall from the gash in it years later. He's perfectly healthy, non autistic, adult now who no longer does that. I just thought you might like a little reassurance about what you already know.
Great job Mom!

Blogger Melissa said...
Thanks for sharing your insight and experience. I, for one, have been intrigued by the sleep issues - so your readership did not decline in me!! I think you are doing all you can, and are going much more out of your way (than many parents would) to help Pickle. I've never met you in person, but I think you are a great mom doing a great job!

Anyway, I really enjoy reading your blog - I won't be stopping anytime soon!! :)

Blogger Mrs. Broccoli Guy said...
You are making progress... and with all my kids they kept adapting whenever we tried to modify behavior and some things just don't work... so I think that's part of parenting, regardless. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right, attachment-wise, so I don't think you're missing much from the books! (But then, I've only picked mine up once since we got home 3 months ago...)

Blogger Suz said...
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

V was rocking when we met her on the first trip, during the first part of our play time. I think she was scared and probably over-stimulated. When we went in October, we didn't see any rocking. But then again, we didn't see her at bedtime ever.

I feel like I need to be prepared as best I can and you are helpful to me by sharing this - as always!

Blogger Yeah So said...
I think I mentioned that my brother and I both rocked when we were small, although obviously not as violently as Pickle. I still do it to this day if I can't get to sleep, or if I am very upset and crying about something. I often do it in the morning between the time DH gets out of bed and my alarm goes off.

I think I turned out okay, so there's hope for Pickle!

Blogger Elle said...
Star you didn't mention that you rocked. You seem pretty normal to me so that makes me feel better.

Blogger Unknown said...
Okay, so this is a biased comment and I just want everyone to know that, since I am one of the grandmas to Pickle. That being said, this is especially to his parents: Dad and I have watched you guys give your all to our little guy and for sure, your total love and greatest effort to making sure that he feels loved, safe and the center of your lives. It's working!!! We see how he responds to you and how he depends on you AND how very NORMAL a toddler he is . . . be sure to read this sentence over and over, because we wouldn't say this unless it is true. I have had the ultimate privilege of babysitting him by myself and he is just the smartest, caring little boy with such a great sense of humor already, just like the 2 of you. When I put hom to bed, he didn't rock or if he did, it was mild enuff that I couldn't hear him on the monitor. This is what I think about the rocking: Pickle had to self-comfort for a long time before you guys arrived to be his Forever Family. Dad and I both think he does this for you to make sure you guys won't give up on him or go away - he "tests" you by doing those things that really worry you or make you very upset, to make sure he really is secure and safe and totally loved by you. His life with you is so special to him, so different from what he had before that I'm sure, that if he could verbalize what he feels, he would tell you that he "worries" that this could all go away. You both do the very best thing - you just keep coming back for more! I didn't experience the rocking because while he knows Grammy and PaPa love him totally, he doesn't need us like he needs Mommy and Daddy. He gives hugs and kisses without being asked and lites up like a Christmas tree whenever you are near . . . it will get better, we just know it. You are the center of his world, you ARE his world - big, big responsibility, but you are doing it. We think you are doing a fantastic job with your son and remember, you can always call us to help out - we LOVE to come be with our favorite grandson :-)) Love, Mom

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Thanks for sharing! You are a good mommy and I admire your efforts and achievements...really, I do. The rocking is so interesting to me. To this day, I need to shake my foot to fall asleep. Is it comfort? Habit? Who knows...I just think these activities are so interesting.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
We feel exactly the same as Derek's parents. Oleg is thriving with both of you being the parental figures he needs and loves. Don't beat yourselves up on a behavior that you didn't create! He's doing amazing in all areas as far as I can see and Mom
and Dad need to relax and TURN that DARN baby monitor down!
Mom and Mike

Blogger M- said...
Elle, I have to agree with everyone else. My son, adopted at 9 (now almost 13) still rocks sometimes. It's nothing I can stop, he does it very rarely...but he's as normal as any 13 yr old boy can be! Some of the other kids that I know that were adopted rock as well..they're normal...they just rock. It will get less and less, it just takes time. Without a doubt, it took him some time to figure out to rock, and then to form such a strong habit. You guys are doing a great job, keep at it. And thanks for the help with the picture posting the other day. I finally figured out the only way to post pictures (on my computer for some reason) is to use picasso...its not the easiest way, but it works. Thanks again, Megan

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Elle, I agree with Bev. You two are wonderful parents to Pickle. God knew what He was doing when he got you 3 together as a forever family. It will get better so hang in there. He is a wonderful and smart little boy who ia a joy to be around. We certainly enjoyed him when we got to meet Christmas time. Love & Hugs Aunt Jan

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Maks rocked himself to sleep every night for about the first 6-8 months. One of us would stay with him each night until he fell asleep. Everyone told us we were crazy to lay down with him but we wanted to be there to comfort him even if it really didn't comfort him. I cried, too.

Slowly the rocking has dissipated. Now I rarely see him rock. We don't have to stay with him until he falls asleep, now either. I think it is because he is starting to settle in and attach to us and know that we will be there for him.

Maybe for Pickle, it will get better, too.

Melissa Woods

Blogger Deb said...
Sounds like you are doing the right thing if it's getting better. Also soudns like a rough 5 months. You're a great mom!

Blogger kate said...
THANKS for this post. I'm so glad to hear about the good progress you all are making. The rocking pi kids do breaks my heart. It was good to know ahead of time that this can be completely normal.

Thanks for relieving a worry that I didn't need to have in the first place.

Blogger Rhonda said...
Melissa's comment was interesting. You and I have discussed this privately, but I agree with you totally. Some kids just rock. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes it doesn't, but it doesn't mean you guys aren't doing a great job. I KNOW what great parents Pickle has, rocking or no rocking.

Blogger Jennefer said...
I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a painful time with Oleg. Pineapple started out rocking and never crying like you have described. However, it didn't take long for her to switch over from rocking to crying herself to sleep. Although she only cries briefly. I rarely see her rock now. My plan was that if she needed to rock I thought she must not be tired enough to sleep- so I would get her out of bed and try again in another hour, etc. I never rocked her to bed ever. In the day I would hold her and play with her- attachment activities, etc. We haven't had hardly any trouble- she seems totally like any other kid now. However, my (biological) second son totally rocked and we had a lot more trouble with him then with Pineapple. Both M and I would rock him back and forth for hours every single day before he would go to sleep. I am not talking about rocking chair- I mean holding in lap and rocking quickly back and forth on the floor or on a couch. I got seriously strong stomach muscles from doing it so much. My other two sons didn't need that at all. It is all individual. In the Russian Adoption Handbook it says that if you do nothing at all about the rocking it should completely disappear by 6 months.

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