The people that got us through

One thing pre-adoptive parents (PAP's) do for the arrival of their children is read every book imaginable on the subject of adoption, attachment, and parenting. There are some pretty fantastic books out there and then there are some that are just crap. I will admit that my list of books I have read if quite limited. I need to read at least one book on attachment and re-read the chapter of The Russian Adoption Handbook on what to do once your child is home. So this post is not a book review by any stretch of the imagination. If you want one of the best book review lists ever written read THIS post by Jen. She is working on a few others, but this is one of the most comprehensive lists I have ever seen.

What strikes me is on particular is actually a book not on Jen's list. Frankly I am glad it isn't there. I am talking about Twenty Thing Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. For those of you who have read this book will know that it portrays adoption in a less than positive light. Sure there are many books out there that are positive adoption stories, but this one book just rubs me the wrong way. I have picked it up multiple times in stores, skimmed through it and put it back in disgust.

Living with an anthropologist has taught me to be very observant of my surroundings. I think this is why I love blogs and message forums so much. It gives me the opportunity to observe individuals with a kind of anonymity. Over the last 18 months I have tried to be aware of my surroundings in the adoption community. I have read people's posts on dealing with adding a child's culture into their family structure. I have seen countless questions on how to talk to your child about them being adopted. Worries about the possibility of loving "someone else's child." So on and so forth. All of these questions are very valid. Each family has concerns about adding an additional unit to their already existing family and how that unit will impact the whole. What I want to do is give you some insight as to what it is like to be the adopted child.

I am an adoptee. This isn't a secret. You have heard me talk about it before. But for the newcomers, there you have it. I have always known that I am an adoptee. What's more is that I was an only child until the age of 8. My family structure is a little screwy and for another post all together. Anyway, I am the third oldest of 23 grandchildren on my dad's side. I am (or was) very close to my cousins. They were like brothers and sisters. They never treated me any different than them.

When we started the adoption process I sat down with my mom and asked her if I had ever asked about my adoption. She said no. I remember looking at my baby book and seeing the photos of her taking me home from the hospital. I knew she never gave birth to me and I never questioned it. There was never a specific moment in my life where my mom or dad sat down and said, "Elle, you are adopted." It was just common knowledge. Maybe I am just not a "why" asker. But I like to think that I have never felt any different than my other cousins because my adoption was treated as normal. It was never put on a pedestal. I was never singled out. Never a mention that I wasn't a "biological." I was just me. But at the same time it was never a secret. I loved telling my classmates that I was adopted. It gave me some kind of cool status.

Granted I was a domestic adoptee. My parents never had a color issue to deal with or an age issue, but I am an adoptee all the same. I don't know if this give me a unique insight on how to be an adoptive parent, but I would like to think so. I want to follow my parents' example.

Thank you mom and dad for all that you ever did for me. I only hope I can be as good of a parent as you are.


So the Elle assvice underlying all of this; don't treat your child any differently than you would a biological child. Don't keep their adoption a secret, but don't single them out as "the adopted one" either. Embrace their culture and add it to your existing family structure. Celebrate your family as a Russian/Chinese/Indian/Guatemalan/Vietnamese-American family.

This is my mom's favorite poem:

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

This is mine:

today I kissed an angel

I knew it from the start

the first time my angel

smiled at me

I gave away my heart

today I kissed an angel

this angel child of mine

though not of my creation

my child by God's design

today I kissed an angel

my heart is dancing wild

a family, by a miracle

blessed by this angel child